Wednesday, 25 May 2011

A Hard Man is Good to Find...

A hard man is good to find. ----Mae West


It had come to this.

The squeaky bogus leather cushions of the psychiatrist’s couch. Me, hugging myself—partly in defiance at finding myself here, and partly against the arctic blast from the air conditioner.

Antonio was stoic as always, arms stiff at his sides and no expression on his face. Nothing ever seemed to penetrate his solid emotional veneer; but, then, this was one of the things I loved so about him.


Dr. Craggly sank into the loud cushions of his own fake leather chair and twisted the dented blue cap of his Bic pen between his teeth, biting on it intermittently. He scanned Antonio and me over the rims of his narrow wire-rimmed glasses.


I recognized the doctor’s well-camouflaged mix of puzzlement and humor. Not the type of humor when one finds something delightful, but the brand induced by bizarre things—you know, a naked man stepping onto a subway or a woman parading through Macy’s wearing only a bra and panties.


Finally, yanking the pen from his mouth, Craggly glanced from the chart on his lap to me and Antonio and pointed the Bic in our general direction. His voice, obviously concealing an attempt not to laugh, was strained and quiet. “And who is your friend?” Tossing another quick look at the chart, he shook his head. “I don’t believe you’ve....introduced…him.”


“This is Antonio.”


Craggly cocked a brow and nodded, studying us. The wheels in his brain turned, I could hear them, as though he charted to build a bridge across the Grand Canyon with nothing but a hammer and a ball of twine. He cleared his throat. “It’s nice to…meet you…Antonio.”


Antonio didn’t return the greeting.


The doctor settled his thin frame deeper into the chair, poised the pen over the tablet resting on his crossed legs, and opened the Pandora’s Box so clearly looming in his mind. “And what has brought you and….” After coughing once more, he continued, “Antonio here to see me?”


Drawing a deep, resigned breath, I proceeded to explain.
* * *

First of all, Antonio is NOT to be confused with his cheap competitors who are mere imitations of who...rather what…he actually is. They are ridiculous blow-up dolls. Antonio is body guard doll, popularly known as Safe-T-Man. Big difference. Huge difference. So there.


But I can see you’re still snorting. So let me tell YOU what I told Dr. Craggly. Let me list for YOU the reasons my darling Antonio happens to be a much more suitable companion than a—close your ears, Tony dear—real man.

1) How many men would actually let you NAME them? You love Italians as I do? Fine. Safe-T-Man is now Antonio. Why, tomorrow, if I was in the mood for a Greek fellow, his name could quickly be changed to--let me think--Zorba. Next week he might be Sven.


2) How many men would let you write, uninterrupted, every evening, and still sit placidly while you did so? The freedom for your work and yet the welcome companionship. A seemingly impossible scenario made VERY possible with Antonio.


3) How many men can be deflated and discreetly transported about in the trunk of your car, or simply stored away in your closet in their own personal custom-crafted carrying case? To be at your side when you crave companionship, but easily stashed away when you don't?


4) How many men do YOU know that can double as a life raft? I, for one, am not a good swimmer; and I find this handy feature quite valuable for trips to the beach. Certainly beats the old boring floats, don’t you think? Ah, the exquisite luxury of being able to ride the waves on my faithful Antonio. Oh, and in case you’re concerned—Antonio is equipped with a repair kit. Punctures (no, I would NEVER intentionally puncture Antonio) are never a problem. A quick patch-up and he’s good as new. And that alone is another priceless feature! Real men squawk and whine when they stub their toes. Not Antonio. The boy can take a run-in with a cat or dog without making a noise while he’s being repaired. Oh, talk about your Alpha man!


5) Antonio does not snore. Well, unless you count the occasional leak of air. But, as mentioned above, even those rare occasions are a cinch with his repair kit.


6) Antonio watches chick flicks and soppy historical romances with me, and never, never, never says a word. Never interrupts the film, never makes smart comments while I’m trying to concentrate.


7) Antonio doesn’t cost much in the way of groceries. He does not even eat.


8) On that note, he IS the perfect dinner companion, though. He does not slurp, does not burp or belch and--since he does not eat--does not spill food or drinks on the carpet.


9) Jealousy is never an issue with Antonio. He never looks at other women. When in public, women may give Antonio curious glances, but he does not return the attention. A faithful sort, he is.


10) Antonio, thanks to his handy size and cushiony comfort, can not only be a companion in bed, but he can also BE the bed when needed. Especially when camping.


11) There are never any disagreements over what Antonio will wear. He wears whatever I want him to. In fact, Antonio and I never have any disagreements at all. He never argues with me.


12) Antonio listens to me, always giving me his undivided attention. Actually, he never says much at all. He is the strong, silent type. Another one of his Alpha male features.


13) Antonio has no problems aiming for the toilet. He never leaves the toilet seat up.


14) Some might complain that Antonio makes his companion do all the cooking. Oh, that doesn’t bother me. Sure, I love a man who cooks, but it’s a small sacrifice for such perfect company.


15) I think Antonio’s only disadvantage is that he is highly flammable. No, I don’t mean his temper. He never loses his temper. He IS, however, susceptible to go up in flames if too near a fireplace, heater or bar-b-que pit. One must be careful, but that’s okay.

I could go on and on about Antonio. His benefits are countless. Oh, sure, there are the obvious things that Antonio cannot do, and I forgive him for those, as he makes up for them in so many other ways.

But can’t you see? I’m not crazy at all! Antonio and his type really CAN be quite a sensible solution to companionship while addressing concerns such as space and convenience. And taking into account the fact that Antonio has a life-time warranty, he is actually quite a bargain.

And, of course, you can see why Antonio, aka Safe-T-Man, is not to be confused with his inferior competitors, the overrated blow-up doll.

I’ve not convinced Dr. Craggly that Antonio is not an outward sign that I’m a few wings short of an airplane. But I think Antonio is beginning to grow on him.



39 Comments:

Tess MacKall said...

Okay. Is this one of those talk-CZ-down-from-the-ledge kind of things?

LMAO. Woman---you're a hoot!

Sarah Ballance said...

To quote my great grandma, "Oh, glory be!" Who knew you were hiding the perfect man all along? LMAO! LOVED THIS!

C. Zampa said...

LOL, Tess! If I eve really DO resort to a Safe-T-Man doll? Yeah, you'd BETTER talk me off the ledge! LOL!

C. Zampa said...

Hi, Sarah!
Yes, who knew? LOL!!

Hey, this way I can have my lovely Italian and save on the air fare. Sigh! LOL

Lisa Alexander Griffin said...

LOL, CZ! Slowly back away from the ledge...

Laura G. said...

Hahahahahaha! Loved this.

Of course, if you start slathering him with aftershave, I'm gonna have to intervene.... :o)

C. Zampa said...

Hi, Lisa!! LOL!! What are you and Tess suggesting? LOL!

Oh, has it gotten so bad for me that I'm truly considering...Antonio? LOL!

C. Zampa said...

Hey, Laura! Hahahaha! Shaving cream! Don't you know that shaving him could puncture him? LOL!

Lisa Alexander Griffin said...

LOL! I think you're as normal as they come, CZ. All of us have considered Antonio's at times. haha! A companion who sits in silence and agrees with what we say. *snort* It'd be nice if the real ones had cutoff buttons!!

C. Zampa said...

LOL, Lisa @ cut-off buttons! Oh, if only! Well, with the way technology is advancing, you never know!

But--eek--I bet there are a few men out there who wish they had remotes or cut-off buttons to shut me up! LOL!

Hugs to you!

Debbie Gould said...

LOL, I needed a good laugh this afternoon. Great Post!

Tess MacKall said...

I want one. He sounds like a dream.

Veronica said...

I'm waiting for the AI, battery-operated kind, myself. Is the perfect man, says all the right things, cooks, cleans, and takes out the garbage, and when you're tired of him, steps to the corner and turns himself off.

Ah, someday...

Harlie Reader said...

OMG! That was too funny and unfortunately too true. Thanks for making me laugh today, Carol.

Harlie Reader said...

I'm like Tess; where can I get one? LOL!

Lisa Alexander Griffin said...

I'm with Veronica! Where can I find one who turns himself off? lol.

Devon Rhodes said...

Lisa--they're all easy enough to turn off. Just pull the handle a couple times (jiggle it if it's stubborn). Might need some grease if you're really having difficulty. ;)

Lisa Alexander Griffin said...

LOL, Devon! Mine is stubborn and I've been tempted to use a two-by-four, but doubt that would help either. :)

Marie Rose Dufour said...

LOL! I'm sure that he always let you have the remote and pick the tv shows. Great post! Made me laugh out loud.

C. Zampa said...

Hey, Debbie! Yes, I was laughing, too, when all the sudden Safe-T-Man began to actually look...well, never mind. LOL!

C. Zampa said...

I think I want one, too, Tess. He's sounding more and more like a good idea! LOL.

C. Zampa said...

Hi, Veronica!
You know, now that would be the Deluxe Safe-T-Man, with batteries? Oh, the possibilities!
Remote control, too, to direct him around!

C. Zampa said...

Hi, Harlie! Thanks, lady!
I needed to laugh today, too! And I came across this pic of the doll and cracked up.

C. Zampa said...

LOL, Devon! Yes, jiggle it if it's stubborn! The switch on mine would wear out after so many 'off' hits! LOL!

C. Zampa said...

Hey, Marie Rose!
The TV remote. I forgot about that! Well, I suppose he could have that one privilege? LOL!

Hayley B. James said...

this is amazing...as expected from you lol

J.R. Loveless said...

I need to get an Antonio! Especially now. LOL. He's perfect. XD Too funny.

C. Zampa said...

Aw, thank you, Hayley! Sure has been a fun excursion for me! LOL.

C. Zampa said...

Hi, J.R.!
You know, I think I've talked myself into an Antonio, too! LOL!

Zahra said...

Okay, forgive me for having a one track mind :-p but does he come anatomically correct in every possible way (I probably misquote Data here)

ROFL!

Joylene Butler said...

OMG -- why didn't I think of that!!!

hahaha. Carol, you are a hoot!

Cherie Noel said...

Carol,

Super funny stuff. *snorting* A Safe-T-Man. *snorts some more* I-I-
*gives up and simply howls with laughter.*

C. Zampa said...

Zahra! LOL!
You'll have to get your own Antonio to find out! LOL!!!

C. Zampa said...

Hey, Joylene! Oh, my Antonio has been a blast! I'm still thinking of benefits to add to the list! LOL!

C. Zampa said...

Hey, Cherie! Yeah. Mr. Safe-T-Man can solve a lot of issues! LOL!

Fiona McGier said...

"Safe" sex springs to mind as one of the major benefits. He can't get you in the family way, or give you anything catchy. What a man! And he's always in the mood when and only when, you are! A dream come true!

C. Zampa said...

Welcome, Fiona! OMG! I need to make a continuing list of Safe-T-Man's benefits...because your thought is spot on! How true! You are SO right! LOL!!

See what a priceless 'gadget' he is??? LOL.

Kathy Otten said...

I'd love a guy who doesn't snore. to sleep straight through the night would be heaven. Very creative post. Funny! :)

C. Zampa said...

Hi, Kathy!
Aw, snoring alone would be a reason to have Safe-T-Man! You're SO right! LOL!